I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
