He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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