His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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