i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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