The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
