I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
