i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
