sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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