nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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