Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
as a side note pls kill me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
