i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
