Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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