I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
