yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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