It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
