I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
did i walk over a car last night?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
