We're facebook friends in real life
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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