Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
