If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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