Soap is not a condiment
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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