So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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