I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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