lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
