When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
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i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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