My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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