I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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