I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
