I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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