So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
