I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
