You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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