I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.