Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
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There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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