I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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