so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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