I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
