She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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