whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We need to get me chipped asap
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
