just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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