whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
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I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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