So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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