Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
