I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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