my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
