Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
