Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
