I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
