someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
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Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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