you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
jump out the window naked night went bad
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