She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
