someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
