If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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