never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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