Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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