At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
