I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
