everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
