can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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