I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
