I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
